While there are several theories such as Aura, Creative Visualization, Butterfly effect , Power of the mind that directly or indirectly state that the state of mind of a person can affect that of others around him.
Even if one doesn't believe in those theories and completely disregards the very ability of a mind to affect another, Its hard to reject real life scenarios where one sees for oneself that the state of others can affect him/her.
I have been noticing for a while now that when people shout near/around me, when they are angry and heated and yell for a while I start feeling weak, even shiver at times(even if the shouting doesn't involve me), I shout to hide my weakness or because I don't know how to respond.
Similarly, when people are very calm around me and sulking, I feel lazy , sleepy. When they are describing some problems with feelings, singing with great joy, reading verses of thiruvasagam often I feel like crying or tears trickle down my eyes, etc.
A more interesting observation is that as I grow older my threshold for shouting, loud noises is rapidly decreasing and I am starting to avoid huge functions, places with lot of crowd, loud pubs and starting to like more casual intellectual discussions(In school and college I preferred heated debates), mild music, silent places, parks etc . Is this because of thermodynamics ? Is this because of just the way we think/feel about these emotions? Or Have I become too soft a person suddenly.
--Badri--
Disclaimer : Had these flow of thoughts lost night and they sounded good in my head, so wanted to write them down as a story, but as soon as I started writing down the story the thoughts got garbled and this emotional junk alone remained. Read at your own risk!!!
It was surely not love at first sight, I am pretty sure the first time we saw each other we instantly developed a deep hatred for each other. I loathed everything about her , the way she looked the way she treated people, everything.
But slowly things changed , I guess the more you interact with a person the more you start liking them. Its not a liking that comes because you find their traits good, in sync with your expectation but because you know them well enough to ADJUST. I guess thats the magic word, I learnt to ADJUST with her and our relationship improved.
The more time I spent with her, the more I learnt. Nah , she wasnt pedantic, I mean not always, but she had her own unique way of teaching me stuff and I loved it. I loved it cos I was learning and I loved it because I found her form of teaching absorbing.
A few years of association and then cupid's arrows struck. I dont know how it happened. Whenever someone inquired about our relationship I maintained that I just liked hanging out with her and it was nothing serious and I had no plans of settling down. But something changed , I dont know what, but I knew this, that the more time I spent with her the more I started falling for her.
There were others like her who were more beautiful, they even treated me better. They were nicer to me and let me go the way I wanted . She on the other hand used to tease me, irritate me a lot, confuse me, leave me stranded, in spite of all this I loved her. Perhaps I loved her because of all this, I dont know and I dont want to know, the fact is I was in love after a long long time and I was enjoying the feeling. But I was scared.
The previous time I was in love felt great too but sadly it dint last, we are still good friends and it sucks. So I was afraid this one would have an abrupt ending too and we will end up becoming "good friends". Also the last relationship I had ended around the same time I started telling everyone about it without asking her where she was in our relationship. So this time I was silent about my feelings. I dint want anything to disturb the peace I felt, I had only once been in a relationship and I knew fully well that being in love feels way better than being committed.So I wanted to let this feeling linger as long as it could.
Three years ran by and the feeling lingered, I never went past "I loved her" and she never said anything. Also all this while, I never tried to find out how she felt about me, but I presumed she liked me, she got more friendly, she cared more, she showed her frustration when I did things she dint like and I loved that I could frustrate her, her frustrations were beautiful too.
But this time, fate had different plans, even though I maintained silence we got separated, partly because I got attracted, to someone else I thought would be a better match and partly because it wasn't meant to be. Even though I tried to "move on" I rued everyday that I wasn't with her. Slowly the sorrow vanished and was replaced by a void that dint feel anything, dint know what the initial feelings were it just occupied a place in my heart and made me uncomfortable.
9 months after my separation fate arranged for a meeting between us, It was sudden and it was amazing. The moment my eyes saw her, I jumped in joy like a small kid who just received a fire truck(boy kid) as a gift, she just smiled , her most frequently used reaction and the one which I feared the most, for it hid lot more than it revealed. We spent 2 great days together and this time separating ways was easy or so I thought. So we said our good bye, we decided to remain friends and parted ways.
10 hrs after parting ways with her my heartaches, I cant stop thinking about her, I cant stop thinking how happy I felt in her presence, how at peace i was.....
--Badri--
I love analyzing website traffic data, so since I am awake and got nothing better to do checked out my blogs traffic data and these came out to be the top 3 articles or pages w.r.t "entry page" criterion
http://badrinath.blogspot.com/
http://badrinath.blogspot.com/2006/09/jaane-kya-janee-mann-pyar-ka-side.html
http://badrinath.blogspot.com/2007/05/why-do-people-marry.html
Do checkout the last one.
And yes while u are reading the stats pls put up with some more unashamed boasting :
stats for the last 5 months.
i) 7200 folks have visited my blog since dec31st 2007
ii) the avg users per day is 42 and highest is 103 (2 days ago)
iii) Most folks spend at least 2.5 minutes on my blog :-)
--Badri--
Nope its not a fancy dress contest
cheers,
--Badri--
disclaimer : gripe
"Red carpet" thats the theme of the party thats currently rocking ISB. gentlemen and ladies from the class of 2009 dressed in their finery, shaking a leg along with the faculty.
But somehow the party made me feel depressed. I went around the dance floor a couple of times and walked back to my room, Its been a long long time since i went into a state of depression so in an ironic way i am enjoying this depression. But what is it that has been preventing me from dancing in the last 3 parties , what is it that has lead to a severe loss of confidence, what is it that is affecting my focus and performance, what is it that is bringing down my energy levels? Several questions but one answer. ;-) Anyways partying dint seem to be the right thing to do when one has so many questions to hunt answer(s) for.
Something else happened today for the first time in a few months, someone walked up to me and said be humble man , you are outgrowing your boots. I have made a conscious effort to stay humble the last couple of years after i received a similar comment a few years back. I was surprised that i have still not succeeded after so much practice and of course i felt very upset. But yes this incident lead to the depression although it was the tipping point.
Our mid terms are scheduled this week, in about 4 -5 days from now , so the folks partying out there are making sure they unwind as much as possible, sad though that i am not able to loosen up :-( :-(
--Badri--
I have been dunked 3 times so far at ISB, this one is the latest, just 2 hrs old.
Why why why do i have to surf the web till 7.30 in the morning sleep till 11.30 am spoil my health, reduce my sleep even when there is nothing compelling me to do so and my peers are effectively using the time to study.
After making a detailed plan for the expenses for the month and storing the same as a xls on my hard disk, my computer crashed. mobo problem. But I was wise I had set aside 5k for incidental expenses. Got myself a new mobo and a processor(my old processor wont do well on this processor) costed me 6.4k a tad above my budget but i thought that was ok.
Came home fixed the mobo and processor , everything was going alright and dadack!!! i dropped the screw driver on the mobo , it scratched the circuit and i find myself spending another 2.5k now - so much for planning. :(
--Badri--
Have i finally reached the level of success that I have always been dreaming about, I dont know. But something tells me thats this what i have achieved is quite significant and will positively change the way my life was headed.
After many crashed dreams, many failed attempts at desired pursuits, finally due to gods grace one pursuit succeeded and am happy about that. - I now hold an admit card from the Indian School of Business, Hyderabad.
I would love to call myself a self made man and claim that i did a lot of wonderful stuff to get here but then that wudnt be true at all. in fact it will be far from the truth.
The following contributed to my getting an admit. Many a thanks to all those mentioned
(Note : the list doesnt follow any specific order)
i) Srinath and Chitra Sreenath(My Parents)
All that i have achieved is cos of them.
ii) Amarnath and Sainath(My Bros)
For all the support and for keeping me smiling.
iii) Chandramouleeswaran Baskaran(My cousin)
For funding my GMAT, My ISB application for reviewing my essays and for the morale support and guidance
iv) K V Phanindra(My business partner and good friend)
For allowing me to use the office equipments for personal work and for the great morale support
v) Biswaranjan Tripathy(My roomie)
For editing my essays and for the morale support
vi) RamaKrishna (My friend from ISB)
For his support and guidance and for withstanding my constant pestering.
vii) Srinivas (My friend from ISB and a fellow advaitin)
For his support and guidance and for the shirt that i wore to ISB for the interview.
viii) Avinash, Shyam, Pratik and Lakshmi Narayan (Alums and current Students of ISB)
For their expert guidance (A special mention is required for lakshmi who spent several hours helping me)
ix)Bharath and Rajesh Sundaram(My best pals)
For kicking me out of chennai(out of my comfort zones), had i not come to hyderabad i wudnt have started dreaming abt ISB
x) Pudipeddi Jogesh and Shailesh (My boss and My X-Boss)
For the recommendation letters that they so willingly gave
xi) Saroj(My roomie)
For my costume design for the day of interview
xii) Jayanth(My Friend)
For the inspiration and for introducing me to Lakshmi
xiii) Guhan, Sumit Mittal, and Vijay Krisha (My Pals)
For the interview and essay writing tips
xiv)Girish (My ex-boss)
For introducing me to the world of marketing and for locating the managerial skills in me.
xv) Balraj Jayanth(My x-Flat Mate)
For the certificate scans
xvi) K V Shivakumar and Lalitha (My cousin and my friend)
For reading my application(cross-verifying) and for the interview tips
xvii) And the many others from friends, family, relatives and wellwishers
Who made subtle (hence i am not able to recollect their name) but yet significant contributions -directly or indirectly.
Thank you all. Do remember to ping me for a party anytime after April 2009.
--Badri--
P.S If you think i have missed out your name thats only bcos i think you could have contributed more. :)
P.P.S Its weird how many had to help me for me to get to this place. Just the list i remember crosses 25. Its also weird how things that I thought were stupid, meaningless and a royal waste of time eventually ended up contributing to the diversity in my profile. Like Steve says u cant connect the dots looking forward.
P.P.P.S My thanks to the gods I pray too and my spiritual instructors. ;-)
P.P.P.P.S Today is Thailavar RajniKanth's Bday I was damn sure something good will happen. Thalaivar Rocks.
Came home from office, wasnt in a mood to sleep and there was nothing interesting enough to do, so hit the cyber cafe and am now blogging. I could have done the same from office but still left office early. Life is too boring!!!
Today is my grandpas death anniversary. A small puja is held in the family called thevasam. I really really wonder what good comes out of it. If my grandpa were the body we associate him with , well the body is gone and no good is going to come of praying to it. If he is the atman, then he is always there , we are all in him and he in us , why pray and not feel .
Anyways the pandit performing the puja , I am sure supports the ritual cos its quite some money for him :)
cheers,
--Badri--
Its strange how a fish that was just an inch long became a close entity of the family. Oscii is so called cos he belongs to the family of fishes called Oscar. He was purchased with a partner for Rs.70 but the partner died almost immediately. Whereas Oscar lived on, for two long years, after his partner's death. He was almost another family member, properly fed, petted, loved and cared for. He grew to become almost 4-5 inches long and we were forced to buy a new tank for him. Attachment with him thats what he created. But this morning though, we woke up to the news from our father "Oscar is no more". And the bonds of attachment withered away. It strange how quickly we can forget our loved ones, the ones for whom we fight, we struggle, we earn are so quickly forgotten once they go in for that long sleep called death that I really wonder if something called love really exists. Anyways May Oscii's soul rest in peace.
cheers,
--Badri--
Walking or trying to walk the spiritual path can have weird effects on a person, I presume. While typically a failure would have saddened me and I would have griped for a while . My most recent failure exposed me to very many weird feelings
First sadness, then disappointment, then rejection, then deep sense of failure and disappointment
Then spiritual angle steps in, fear of feeling sad, fear of losing calmness of mind, disappointment about having let a materialistic failure affect the state of the self.
I guess from the turn of events that spirituality is not going to be easy on me and that I am yet too too far away from the state called - spiritual ;-)
cheers,
--Badri--
Blogged with Flock
The problem with talking to "not so normal" people is you are never sure of how they are going to interpret you. A casual sentence like "thanks for the time and help" can be misinterpreted is something that I realized today.
I have a small problem when it comes to interviews/conversations , when given enough time I start analyzing the interviewer/speaker and once i find out that they are people with complexes(superior or inferior), normal interviewing becomes difficult. With an inferiority complex person there is always a fear of sounding arrogant or aggressive. With a superiority complex person there is a problem of sounding too weak or not so confident.
Had a conversation with one such "complex" person and have now been labeled Arrogant, Aggressive, Domineering and Over Confident. (dunno why those adjective make me feel like HARI SADU) . I am not denying the fact that I am a bit of every one of those adjectives mentioned above, but am also totally convinced I am as a person - more positive adjectives and less negative adjectives. Also I am trying real seriously to reduce the degree of those negative adjectives , so although one person's opinion shouldn't really matter much, I am hurt that someone thought i am all bad.
That said perhaps thats what happens when you talk to "complex" people.
cheers,
--Badri--
Blogged with Flock
You know there are days when you arent working much but still you are stressed, bored and feel tired. I am going through such a spell that last few days. I am busy almost all day long although the work done aint significant and its getting me burnt out.
But yes the silver lining is that this weekend I am going home :)
cheers,
--Badri--
Aug 21 2003 , slightly intimated by things that were in store and still recovering from a recent illness I set foot in my first IT(software) job . A small step for me , a giant turnaround for my life. Yday I completed 4 years in IT and when I look back at all that has happened, although there were mixed emotions the one that seems to dominate is a sense of tragedy. :) .
No jokes, well there is lot of money, too much comfort, some thinking to do and all that, but at the end of a day when u take life as a whole its so much beyond what one can do in an IT job. There is no feeling of having grown, nah promotions and change in title are trivial, meaningless things, like toys to kids, they can be fun for a while but in the long wrong they really arent signs of growth. Growth in salary is always good but if rs.1k increase means u are growing then when do u decide u have fully grown. Then there is responsibility growth but after 4yrs in IT and coming to place where i manage some small projects i am always left wondering how thats responsible. Sure there are people dying out there, children who are homeless and hungry and me writing java code or monitoring 10 people writing java code that monitors phone calls is responsible. I dont mean to sound caring and all that , I am perhaps the most selfish guy u will come across. My point is that there is no feeling of accomplishment in IT.
May be its me , may be its the works i have done, may be its just the fate that was aligned that way. Wateva it may be i am left feeling its been 4 yrs of tragedy and a life full of potential is being forced to run in directions it shudnt be and speeds much slower than it can. :) :) :) :) :)
unnum puriyalaya confused me tooo ;-)
cheers,
--Badri--
P.S: I celebrated yday with headache, bad health and moodiness .
Took a few days off from work and came home to chennai to prep for upcoming GMAT exams , Also wanted to recover from bad health thats been troubling me for a couple of weeks now. 6 days after i came here and setup camp what i have done
i) Watched
a) You've Got Mail
b) Bourne Ultimatum
c) Transformers
d) Ratatouille
e) Mr.Brooks
ii) Visited the physician to get meds for my throat and ear infection
iii)Visited my dentist
iv) Watched a lot of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Seinfeld
v) Slept a lot
vi) Chatted on phone and net a lot
vii)Wrote 3 mock tests.
Well there it goes , wont u call that a productive week :)
p.s: also griped a lot abt my bad health to folks but dont think that counts as a task done.
p.p.s: also did sandhi regularly the last few days , although it aint an achievement very proud of the same
cheers,
--Badri--
Well i keep going quite often to chennai for 2-3 days so going to chennai might not be a big deal but this one is, for i am going there this time for a considerable amount of time.
Reason : i) Bad health, want to recover using mothers food and care :)
ii) Career, Education :)
So I am extremely happy about my jaunt , hopefully will keep blogging. Now got to go pack for tonight charminar, wish me happy journey
cheers,
--Badri--
I turned 25 yesterday , I was worried on my 23rd birthday and bit concerned on my 24th and yesterday on my 25th i dint even feel like blogging :) . Is that a sign that I am improving.
Forget it , what ever be the direction in which my personality is growing or my life is headed, yesterday rocked. I was happy the whole day, no fights, no anger, no worries , a bit of lying but thats ok and mostly peace. Boy i loved it.
Thanks for the 100 odd who wished me(yes i was surprised too but i did receive that many wishes thanks to orkut for about 50 of them) For those who dint wish me you still have got the time :)
I got a Shirt, a t-shirt, a navratna ring and a book as my birthday gifts . Well that dint exactly meet the requirements I had set out so i am stilling waiting ;-)
cheers,
--Badri--
Today, Its exactly 7 months since i set foot on Hyderabad . I wanted to gain some clarity about what i wanted in life and hence in search of time and space I left the comfort of my previous company, most importantly my family and friends and traveled this far.
I have achieved nothing worthwhile for my career out here but have gotten some clarity into what i want in my life. which i guess is a good first step. But these seven months havent gone a total waste , just compiled a list of all the books i read after coming to hyderabad and the list was quite impressive
1) The Monk who sold his ferrari (Robin Monks)
2) Bhagavad Gita (Sri A.C.BhaktiVedan...)
3) Quran (From the web)
4) The way of the peaceful warrior (Dan Millman)
5) Advaita by Sri Sankara
6) Dvaita by Sri Ramanuja
7) Autobiography of a yogi (Sri Paramahamsa Yogananda)
8) Hindu Dharma (Sri Chandrashekara Saraswathi)
9) Bible (From the web)
10)Tuesdays with Morrie (Forgot ask amazon :) )
11)Yogasutras of Patanjali (From the web)
12)Dhammapada (From the web)
13)One night at call centre (Chetan Bhagat)
14)Five point someone (Chetan Bhagat)
15)Mystic Musings (Sri Jaggi Vasudev)
16)Who will cry when you will die (Robin Monks)
17)Saint surfer CEO (Robin Monks)
Something gained(the bit of knowledge from the books that got rubbed into me) and Something lost(7 months)
I guess - IT HAPPENS!!!
cheers,
--Badri--
P>S : BTW this is my 100th post , considering i am blogging since 2004 its a bit late but nevertheless a century is worth celebrating :)
