Disclaimer : Had these flow of thoughts lost night and they sounded good in my head, so wanted to write them down as a story, but as soon as I started writing down the story the thoughts got garbled and this emotional junk alone remained. Read at your own risk!!!
It was surely not love at first sight, I am pretty sure the first time we saw each other we instantly developed a deep hatred for each other. I loathed everything about her , the way she looked the way she treated people, everything.
But slowly things changed , I guess the more you interact with a person the more you start liking them. Its not a liking that comes because you find their traits good, in sync with your expectation but because you know them well enough to ADJUST. I guess thats the magic word, I learnt to ADJUST with her and our relationship improved.
The more time I spent with her, the more I learnt. Nah , she wasnt pedantic, I mean not always, but she had her own unique way of teaching me stuff and I loved it. I loved it cos I was learning and I loved it because I found her form of teaching absorbing.
A few years of association and then cupid's arrows struck. I dont know how it happened. Whenever someone inquired about our relationship I maintained that I just liked hanging out with her and it was nothing serious and I had no plans of settling down. But something changed , I dont know what, but I knew this, that the more time I spent with her the more I started falling for her.
There were others like her who were more beautiful, they even treated me better. They were nicer to me and let me go the way I wanted . She on the other hand used to tease me, irritate me a lot, confuse me, leave me stranded, in spite of all this I loved her. Perhaps I loved her because of all this, I dont know and I dont want to know, the fact is I was in love after a long long time and I was enjoying the feeling. But I was scared.
The previous time I was in love felt great too but sadly it dint last, we are still good friends and it sucks. So I was afraid this one would have an abrupt ending too and we will end up becoming "good friends". Also the last relationship I had ended around the same time I started telling everyone about it without asking her where she was in our relationship. So this time I was silent about my feelings. I dint want anything to disturb the peace I felt, I had only once been in a relationship and I knew fully well that being in love feels way better than being committed.So I wanted to let this feeling linger as long as it could.
Three years ran by and the feeling lingered, I never went past "I loved her" and she never said anything. Also all this while, I never tried to find out how she felt about me, but I presumed she liked me, she got more friendly, she cared more, she showed her frustration when I did things she dint like and I loved that I could frustrate her, her frustrations were beautiful too.
But this time, fate had different plans, even though I maintained silence we got separated, partly because I got attracted, to someone else I thought would be a better match and partly because it wasn't meant to be. Even though I tried to "move on" I rued everyday that I wasn't with her. Slowly the sorrow vanished and was replaced by a void that dint feel anything, dint know what the initial feelings were it just occupied a place in my heart and made me uncomfortable.
9 months after my separation fate arranged for a meeting between us, It was sudden and it was amazing. The moment my eyes saw her, I jumped in joy like a small kid who just received a fire truck(boy kid) as a gift, she just smiled , her most frequently used reaction and the one which I feared the most, for it hid lot more than it revealed. We spent 2 great days together and this time separating ways was easy or so I thought. So we said our good bye, we decided to remain friends and parted ways.
10 hrs after parting ways with her my heartaches, I cant stop thinking about her, I cant stop thinking how happy I felt in her presence, how at peace i was.....
--Badri--
Have fallen in love with her
Years after I first met her
Dearer to me she has now become
Even though to the end of our chapter we have come
Rarely have I missed someone
And a permanent place in my heart very few have won
But she has now etched herself
Alas she has given me so much more than just herself
Dear I am sorry I have to go
Change alone is constant like you already know
Thanks for the friends that you gave me
Thanks for the aspects of life you made me see
I have changed a lot cos of you
I am a better man cos u made into
It sure feels like the end of an era
But dont worry "Merey dil mey sada rahega ek place thera"
There are things I have done that I dont wanna repeat
Like returning your rose and saying,'no thanks u keep it'
Not sure why at that time it seemed right
To avoid you and start our fight
Now when i call, u you wudnt say hi
But through the phone i can hear you cry
Is it cos you realize that I didn't mean to hurt you
Or because you can still feel the love i have for you
I never ever doubted if u were virtuous
And got all hyper only cos I got jealous
Whatever the reason was i know i was wrong
Our love, a beautiful flower i crushed with anger so strong
In mere words i shall not be able to express my apology
But please understand that without you i am bereft of all logy
come back to me even if you are gonna be late
For baby now i am convinced, even if it takes a hundred years -you are worth the wait
cheers,
--Badri--
Staring at my cell for a call that never came
Is one of many things that i do that make me look insane
Once call, one message should be enough, delusion i proceed
Till one message you send and I realize my own greed
The moments of nearness are never enough
Living close in virtual word is so tough
A mail makes me smile, a sms very happy
A call in the morn keeps me all day long very peppy
But then night falls and there is need for more
Virtual contact becomes boring and sore
Not because it has lost its lustre
But I am greedy for a more romantic gesture
Moments of silence drive me crazy
The world around becomes very hazy
Every thought culminates in your name
What are you doing to me is this some game
I close my eyes and see you
Stay glued to the phone even while friends boo
I am not sure whats happening to me
But i spend the lonely times watching stars from on top a tree
Am I deluded, crazy or insane
Where am i, Is there even a name for this lane
Wherever I am, one thing for sure is true
Baby, its all definitely because of you
Cheers,
--Badri--
