Today was both good and bad
Good cos - I got to skip the gyan sessions
Got the wireless in my laptop fixed
Attended our first case study which was wonderful
Attended the leadership programme which was great
Had section gyan (sec E) which was good too but for the prolonged intros
Skipped the club gyans
Attended a party from 11pm to 4.30 am , danced so badly that my knees pain inspite of a good hot water bath
Bad : - Cos i believe its going to get more hectic going forward and i am yet to manage the current schedule properly
The class diversity and strength is scary almost everyone is a stud
ISB is not helping my spirituality,
I had known from what i had heard from seniors that the materialism and sexuality at ISB will be damaging to my spiritual pursuit. I had strongly followed parahamsas warning and tried hard to stay away from women and gold, But the seniors were proved right, constant chit-chats and flirting(or attempts at flirting) at ISB arent helping me. I know i got to stop but its too tempting. As far as materialism goes , well there is competition here, hence there is competitiveness and jealousy and that doesnt help too. I cant blame ISB for it , obviously its my perspective thats harming me but in any case i am mentioning it since the same has become an integral part of my isb life now.
I already feel that I have lost all the spirituality i gained by staying at thiruvanamalai for 4 days. (can people lose the good karmas they have earned ;-)) I guess only time will tell how well i stay spiritual through the course.
--Badri--
I searched for God couldnt find proof for existence of one
Longed for a guru but found none
Read many books and confused myself and my brethren
Became skeptic and argued about everything from tantra to zen
Nothing seemed to be right and no one in flesh seemed realized
In my hunt for enlightenment i got demoralized
Why do i want liberation, How can i be a bhaktha if god is a myth
The questions are huge and so is my frustrations width
Greed came in under the guise of survival essential,
Then anger, lust and every sin you can name seemed inconsequential
Bah Karma is a bluff and we are but specks in a large universe
I did tell myself and reread richard dawkins every atheist verse
But oh mother i feel ashamed of myself when i see your picture on the wall
Although every claim of your presence a bluff i would call
What am I going through and where am I headed
What do i do to get my ego shreded
Bhagawan Ramana said so do vichara and I tried
But the mind resists and every few seconds i cried
Am i filled with so much filth that purification is impossible
Or am i such a genious that abating my thought storm is not feasible.
Nah this mind should be silenced and the thoughts stopped
All that destroys calmness and equanimity must be dropped
I might not believe in god nor in realization
But there is a better way to go through life and thats through de-ramification
What do i do to maintain the calm
When for bread and existence I ship in the storm
I dont want to give up and say realization is through prarabdha or destiny
If i cant calm my mind now, my having sown seeds in a previous birth to calm it seems funny.
Guide me oh masters and my mother, if you do exist
I dont want intellect or siddhis through which i can persist
Just one boon i need and all the evils of this world i will resist
Tell me how my when thoughts arise upon them silence i can insist.
--Badri--
Walking or trying to walk the spiritual path can have weird effects on a person, I presume. While typically a failure would have saddened me and I would have griped for a while . My most recent failure exposed me to very many weird feelings
First sadness, then disappointment, then rejection, then deep sense of failure and disappointment
Then spiritual angle steps in, fear of feeling sad, fear of losing calmness of mind, disappointment about having let a materialistic failure affect the state of the self.
I guess from the turn of events that spirituality is not going to be easy on me and that I am yet too too far away from the state called - spiritual ;-)
cheers,
--Badri--
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